RANDOM THOUGHTS

27 June 2017

It has been around two weeks when I decided to intentionally IGNORE few people in my life. It all started when I had this epic date with A. Then it became my culminating point in realizing that I am actually and slowly forfeiting the remaining few joy in me.

Di na kami naguusap ni B, A at J. But yes, I am novice with the feeling and the routine. There are times na namimiss ko sya. Oo, may araw na namimiss ko si J. Si J lang. But I am certain that I have to move on with my life. Our feelings for each other are actually breaking us. Hindi na healthy.

Pero… sa loob ng dalawang linggo, I felt that I am actually being brought back to myself. Sabi ko nga, “hindi ko naman kasi talaga naranasan mabakante.” There’s a whole truth about it. Hindi naman talaga. Nung malungkot ako kay J, sobra akong pinapatawa lagi ni B. Agad agad. Di na tuloy ako dumaan sa “mourning stage”.

I am really sorry for dragging B into my life tapos pag ayaw ko na stop na. But B made me realized that what I really wanted will never change. Maybe it’s not him. Time will come that you’ll get to realize that it’s not enough that someone is making you laugh. You’ll get to the point that you’re tired of just laughing and that your old soul and intellect is starving. He’s such a good person. Kaya nga siguro naging madali ang attachment ko sa kanya. Pero para siguro sya sa someone na makikita yung goodness nya na yun.

Mr. A did feed my intellect. Something I am craving that I never found in B. But it led to selfishness that I lose respect for other people.

J is actually my addiction that led into slowly poisoning every part of me. I really miss him so much that there are times that I unconsciously cried. Minsan mapapatanong nalang ako na bakit kasi hindi pwede. KASI NGA HINDI PWEDE. Through J, God made me realize na hindi lahat ng gusto ko ay para sakin. Ganun kasi ako. Pag naisip at ginusto ko, para sakin at gagawin ko. Maybe he’s a God-sent to humble me.

But I am moving forward and I am learning. I am learning to love myself and respect other people. I am learning that sometimes we have to love people in secret. I am learning to be alone and not to seek validation from others. I am learning to fight and oppose myself when my feelings are wrong. I am learning that I am in need to listen to others. I am learning that I do not have to lose myself by trying to keep other people. I am learning that I am not actually ready to be someone’s someone and be under someone’s authority. Matigas padin talaga ulo ko. I am learning to fall in love with God and to be saturated in His love. I am learning that God’s timing is perfect, I am learning that God’s plan is still the best and He is the best friend I can have. I can tell Him everything without feeling weird. I can cry kapag naiiyak ako and there’s no need to pretend that I am always strong. I am learning and there’s still so much more to learn.

I am looking forward to that day that I can finally say that I have survived and my story will be a testimony of hitting rock bottom and learning to stand again. It may take long. It may take this lifetime. But one day, I am going to face my Bridegroom and I never wanted to hear Him say that I failed. I am excited to discover more of God’s plan for me. I am excited to see Him using me again in a different way. Not with the Ms. Perfectionist and Ms. Conceited life I had before. I wanted Him to use me because I am normal, I have failed, I rebelled and found my way back home. I wanted to be the prodigal daughter who went back because the Mr. Nice Daughter who stayed no longer fits me. I know I can survive, little by little, slowly… with the best Partner I can have. ♥

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