RANDOM THOUGHTS

WELCOME TO MY CRAZY WORLD

Like most of the girls, I, too, was cynical over love. As stated in one of my fave songs… “I’ve been in and out of love but it hurts just the same.” Yes, different people, different experiences but same endings… PAINFUL ENDINGS. And as I am on my journey to let go all these painful experiences, I decided to go back to past  I’ve been through. It’s not easy to go back because it reminded me of my feeble and unwise decisionsssss.

People, I’m allowing you to enter my crazy world by letting you to know the men I’ve been associated with and from whom I’ve learned huge lessons about love. Of course, there are others I won’t include because they might not have an impact or maybe it’s just a petty crush not worthy of digging in.


Mr. JR – my first crush, my neighbour, my playmate, my childhood sweetheart as they say. Nothing more to say about him because he transferred school when we were 7. And I knew nothing about him since then. But when we were 5 yrs old, we promised each other that we will marry each other when we’re old enough to marry. HAHAHAHAHA.

NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO TAKE HOLD OF YOUR FUTURE JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR PROMISES MADE IN HASTE.

Mr. JW – my first (and only) ex-boyfriend. Before we became a couple, we were best friends. We’re so comfortable with each other but not in love. We kept on because each other are our comfort zones. There’s no need to complicate the relationship because we knew each other so well. We ended up with the decision to break up maybe because we both know that we need to be in love with each other in order to sustain the relationship.

DO NOT MISTAKEN LOVE WITH FRIENDSHIP. THERE’S A CLEAR LINE THAT SEPARATES THE TWO.

Mr. HC – My second favorite. Hahahaha. It all started with “biruan” and he ended up blocking me on facebook. For the entire “FRIENDSHIP”, I can’t remember a single moment when I’ve been stressed about us. It’s a mixture of honest friendship with konting landi. Hahahaha. Yes, a totally honest friendship. I know that he’s in a relationship with two women. I know his vices. We almost hide nothing from each other but sort of tolerating each other too. He ended up falling in love with me. I ended up responding to his love. We ended up in an “almost” relationship for about… 3 days? Nagising agad ako. I decided to end things.

WHEN A RELATIONSHIP STARTED WRONG AND YOU ARE BOTH AWARE OF IT, DO NOT EXPECT A HAPPY ENDING FROM IT.

Mr. WT – Bawal na pag-ibig. Period.

WAG PUMATOL SA ESTUDYANTE. 😀

Mr. RN – A huge crush, my ideal man. He’s almost perfect. Christian, a servant, a teacher, a family man. He’s really humble. Kamukha ni Enchong. You’ll find almost nothing wrong about him. The only wrong is that I only fell with the idea of ending up with someone ideal but not in love with him and he’s not in love with me. And I ended up hurting other people.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS IDEAL, IT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THAT HE/SHE IS IDEAL FOR YOU.

Mr. JCL – the most recent, my favorite, my first love. He’s a mistake made into man. Hahahahah. Everything about us are craziness. He’s a Christian… BEFORE. He’s in a relationship when he started courting me. He lied to me just to keep me. I am certain that he’s head over heels in love with me. And I am certain that my feelings for him is a double portion of what he has. We were crazy about each other and our craziness ended up hurting each other. No one’s willing to let go. We are both successful in our chosen fields but insecure of each other. He changed me into a person unimaginable. He’s possessive. He asked me to marry him just because he’s afraid he’ll lose me. There’s so much passion between us that we almost compromise. We’re not committed. There’s no label. But I love him TOTALLY until I woke up one day that I still love him so much but I am tired about us. And that is the day I stopped responding to his messages and calls, when I stopped explaining things, when I stopped worrying about where the future will lead us, when I stopped all the craziness between us, when I forced my heart to stop loving him. I almost became numb until he became tired too and knowing it almost killed every optimistic nerve in me.

WE DO NOT ALWAYS END UP WITH THE FIRST PERSON WE GIVE OUR HEART TO BUT HE IS SURELY ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO WILL TEACH YOU VAST LESSONS IN LIFE AND IN LOVE JUST BECAUSE HE’S A BIG PART OF YOURSELF.

JC – Jesus Christ. My SHOULD BE. He should be my first love, He should be my only love, He should be my best friend, He should be my everything, He should be my companion and comfort zone, He should be my favorite. HE SHOULD BE MY ALL IN ALL. But He ended up competing with all the people He brought into my life. These men should only teach me lessons but not His replacement. I rejected Him for countless times. I failed Him over and over again. I broke His heart. I am not worthy and yet, He’s pursuing me with no intention of letting go. He never get tired of me. He love me with a stubborn love that I, myself, can’t even understand. He’s still longing for me even after I ignored Him. He’s CRAZY. He’s really crazy. He’s crazy for me and about me. And when I tried to talk to Him again, I saw no judgement in His eyes. He listened as if it is the most interesting story ever told. He tirelessly dried my eyes as tears poured out. He hugged me so tight that I felt that He’s making all the broken pieces of myself whole again. And when He talked, He taught me greatest lessons about LOVE. I stand in awe.

  • AT THE RIGHT TIME, I, THE LORD, WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. (ISAIAH 60:22) – His timetable is perfect. And only He, with his lordship, can only make it happen. No need to be impatient and control freak because He always knows WHEN.
  • FOR GOD IS NOT A GOD OF CONFUSION BUT OF PEACE. (1 COR. 14:33) – I always have hesitations with JCL that despite my craziness over him and being him as my first love, I never made it official. I am not confused about my love for him but I am always confused about us. God taught me that if confusion enters the scene, it doesn’t come from Him. Because God only authored peace but not confusion.
  • THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. BUT PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR. (1 JOHN 4:18) – We, as God’s children, are always afraid… afraid of taking risk, afraid of rejection, afraid of others’ impression about us and even afraid of falling in love. But I know, when God send someone He designed perfectly for us, we will not be afraid because He will send someone who will love us perfectly. But until that time comes, God is calling us to be drowned in His perfect love.
  • BUT WHEN THAT WHICH IS PERFECT HAS COME, THEN THAT WHICH IS IN PART SHALL BE DONE AWAY. (1 COR 13:10) – After breaking our heart for many times and believing that part of us will always be left in them, it’s time to believe that when God sends the perfect one, all those imperfect love we’ve been through will heal itself.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
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